John Gottman, therapist, author and leading expert on marriages, says what distinguishes the happiest couples from the rest is not the ability to avoid fights, but the ability to repair after the fight. So rather than focusing on avoiding conflict, I think it makes sense to look at what is underneath the conflict.
Oftentimes, couples seem to be having the same argument over and over, but don’t really know what’s going on underneath the fight. Usually, we see the secondary emotions (anger, frustration,confusion, etc.), but we don’t see or show the softer emotion, like fear or sadness. If couples can get to the place of discovering what their underlying emotion is, and SHARE it with their partner, this can be very enlightening and healing!
Try it out next time you have a fight with your partner…you may be surprised what’s really going on underneath the fight over chores (or money, or sex…you name it!)