Let’s be honest, talking about sex can feel really uncomfortable. For many of us, our parents didn’t know how to talk to us about it (or avoided the topic altogether). We may have picked up confusing or even harmful messages from culture, and sometimes church communities reinforced the idea that sex is a taboo subject.
No wonder it feels awkward!
But here’s the thing: learning to talk about sex is one of the most important skills for building a healthy sex life.
When I work with couples, I often ask: “Do you talk about sex?” The answer is usually “not really”. At best, they might touch on frequency, or express frustration when intimacy is lacking. But deeper, proactive conversations rarely happen.
It helps to know what to talk about and how to talk about it. Here are a few areas I encourage couples to explore together:
1. Initiation Styles
How do you like your spouse to initiate sex? Do you prefer verbal cues, physical touch, playful flirting? It sounds simple, but many couples have never had this conversation and it can make a big difference.
2. Emotional vs. Physical Connection
Some people need emotional closeness before they feel open to physical intimacy. For others, physical intimacy is what helps them feel emotionally connected. Both are valid “entryways” to connection, but the key is understanding which one you and your spouse tend to lead with and how to get this cycle moving in the right direction!
3. Frequency
It’s normal for couples to have different desire levels. The important thing is finding a rhythm that works for both of you. Think of it less as a battle and more as a team effort to create a sex life you both feel good about.
4. Scheduled vs. Spontaneous Sex
Some couples thrive on scheduling intimacy – it creates anticipation and makes sure it actually happens. Others love the surprise and playfulness of spontaneity. I’ve found with most couples the healthiest approach is a balance of both!
Talking about sex might feel awkward at first, but avoiding the conversation usually leads to frustration and disconnection. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes and the stronger your intimacy will grow.
If you and your spouse want a supportive space to start these conversations, I’d love to help. Reach out today to take the first step toward better communication and a more fulfilling relationship.