So many men feel that they cannot share their struggles with their wives. Their inadequacies. Their failures. And often, unfortunately, they’re right. Maybe he’s shared that he’s worried about his job security, and this causes his wife to worry and add pressure, and so he decided it would be better to keep that to himself. Maybe he shared that he occasionally struggles with lust or pornography, and she panics and unintentionally shames him, so he mentally says “I can’t share that part of me again.”
It is scary for women to hear their husband’s vulnerabilities. It often triggers her fear or her inadequacies, and sometimes she is just not at a secure enough place to hear it. This makes sense. BUT-when she cannot hear it, HE WILL NOT SHARE IT. This doesn’t mean he won’t have the struggles, he just won’ t feel okay about talking about them with his wife. He will mentally come up with plenty of reasonable reasons as to why it would be better to keep them inside.
And, the result is a lack of closeness and emotional intimacy. Which is what all women are wanting. I often hear women say “he just doesn’t talk to me about feelings” or “I don’t feel close or connected to him.” This is why! He has received a message, and it may go all the way back to his childhood, that it is not okay to share these parts of himself. And without emotional intimacy, it is very hard for women to be available for physical intimacy. This is the rut so many couples get in.
So, someone has to take the first step to get out of this rut. Talk about this article with your spouse. Husbands, try sharing something small, and see if it’s safe. Most likely your wives want to know what’s going on in your head. Women, try to listen in a safe and nonjudgmental way. He will feel this and likely open up with you more. And isn’t this what you really want? Emotional intimacy is hard, but it is possible. If you get stuck, I would encourage you to find a marriage counselor to help you work through this. It is worth it!