In the book Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson uses the term “primal panic” to describe what happens to us when we feel like we are losing connection with our loved ones. For example, if he initiates sex or physical closeness with you and you’re not in the mood. Or if you want to talk after work, and he blows you off and goes straight for the TV. It’s like it sets off alarm bells, warning us that we are alone! It often triggers a fear response, or a feeling of sadness, unworthiness, or anger.
When this alarm goes off in our mind, we typically don’t slow down to think through what’s happening, we just react...and we all have different ways of responding to this panic. It’s natural that this would create a response in us. It feels like our loved ones aren’t there for us. It’s like we MUST protest…I need you, I am worthy, I can’t be alone in this. You may have heard the phrase,”suffering is expected, but suffering alone is intolerable!” Everything in us fights this feeling of being disconnected, but we do it in different ways, and often ways that actually make the problem worse, and leave us feeling more alone-what a viscous cycle!
So, most people do one of two things when they feel this panic, they either 1-withdraw or 2- pursue. I’ll explain withdraw and pursue in the next post, and you will be surprised to see how this happens in your relationships, and how it can be changed, so you are not left alone, but actually can feel more connected!