I often hear from couples about how nasty their arguments can get. Hurtful things said, divorce threatened. Why does this happen with the person you care about? How can you stop it? What do you do with the aftermath of damage?
Well, there are actually reasons that make alot of sense, even though that doesn’t make it hurt less, and definitely things need to change. When we feel something is wrong in our relationship (and we start to feel like our spouse doesn’t care about us, we have disappointed them, we are failing….), the “fight or flight” part of our brain gets triggered. So we do what we would do if we were actually in danger. It’s survival and it’s wired in us! (It’s actually really helpful if we were being attacked by a lion😊). We leave/shut down/get quiet (flight) or we verbally attack/accuse/blame (fight). In that moment, our brain doesn’t actually know the difference in a real threat or a perceived threat. So our spouse feels like the enemy and we use our defenses to to survive.
In my upcoming posts, I will help you figure out how to stop the fight and how to repair and minimize damage done! But in the meantime, check in with your spouse about this fight or flight response and see if it feels true for them.