So how do we stop these awful fight from happening and how to we move past them?
First, recognize the pattern that you get in. Not the stuff that you’re fighting about, but the way you and your spouse each respond. Do you move towards or away. Start to see the pattern you get in and see it as this survival thing that’s happening.
Second, see if you can slow it down. Take a time out, take a few breaths, say to your spouse “can we try this in a little while.” It takes about 90 seconds for a huge wave of emotion to calm down (that’s about 15 deep breaths). Try to do this, and then your conversation won’t be fueled by “fight or flight” response.
Third, if you blow it (and you most likely will at some point), try to come back and repair. This is hard, but worth it. It’s hard to own where we messed up. Will our spouse hold us fully responsible? Will they say sorry for their part? It’s a risk, I know. But without this repair, fights just get uglier next time.
I’d love to help you with these steps if you need! This is hard but possible!!