In the last post, I talked about the “primal panic” that happens when you feel rejected, alone, and that your partner is not available to you (when she says no to sex, he won’t connect emotionally, etc.). That panic is actually a cry for connection…I so badly want to connect, but I feel that you aren’t there for me!
Human nature says we have to avoid this feeling, this pain of disconnection. So we tend to do one of two things, pursue or withdraw.
- Pursue looks like this: strike back in anger, say hurtful things, nag, criticize, start a fight
- Withdraw looks like: give the silent treatment, walk away, shut down emotionally, avoid conflict
As you can see, both of these reactions actually drive more disconnection! Your partner most likely doesn’t understand that you are actually hurting, and wanting to be close. They just see the reaction, and come up with their own conclusion.
So, next time you see this happening, first, be aware of this cycle that is happening. Even point it out to your spouse (preferably not when you’re in the middle of a fight). Second, try something different. Share a deeper, softer feeling…”I really just want to be close to you, and it makes me sad when you aren’t willing” or “I feel so lonely when we can’t talk…are we ok?” Reach towards your partner rather than pushing away. I know this feels risky and different and vulnerable. But, I guarantee it will have a different response than what you’re used to…and at minimum, it will stop the crazy cycle!